Salmonella Gets Sporked The Motion Picture
by suethor
Summary: This is not a serious story. You have been warned.


**Salmonella Gets Sporked – The Motion Picture**

Salmonella Nectarine was a very spescul gurl. Everyone who new her was impressed with her complete knowledge of all spells and other things. She wore kewl clothes from Hot Topic and other kewl shops. Her long midnight black hair fell down to her knees – she was constantly having to pick it up and attach it back.

Coming from the school Deleterius, a school for retarded whizzes and whizzetes, did not mean she was retarded, it just meant it had taken longer for people to see how speshul she was. There had never been a gurl like her before. Her amazing powers included: being a metamofosis, an animaligus and had skin so transparent that she didn't need an invisibility cloak.

OH…" SHE SAID AND THEN AGAIN, "OH… I… CAN'T BELIEVE I LEFT THE CAPS LOCK ON," before returning to nearly normal speech patterns (cycadelic or what?) "You mean… I'm going… to Hogwarts…?" (She loved her ellipses.) Starring at the Headmaster-with-no-name-because-I-can't-be-bothered-to-make-one-up, her multicoloured eyes shone with all the Brasso she applied, and breathed (for the first time that day), "OH MY GOD, this is so GREAT! I get to meet real kids and teachers old enough to be my teachers. This is so brill…"

The next day she arrived at Hogwarts and had to be sorted in frount of everybody, because she was late. Harry Potter nudged Ron Weasly. "Look at teh hawt gurl. She even has 'all' her curves in the right places."

Hermionator looked down at her slipped curves and sighed. The one on her elbow had been giving her gypp for months.

"Gryffindor!" the hat shouted before even touching Salmonella's hair. It did not want to mar the perfection under it.

She skipped off the stool and carried herself down to sit next to OOC Ginny.

The read hared gal turned and faced Salmonella with daggers protruding from her eyes. "Your to lay off my man, you here!…" (Punctuation or spelling was not one of Ginny's strong speaking points.)

Salmonella smiled her sweetest smile – the less sweet one wasn't powerful enough. "Please say we can be friends? I've never had a friend before. I don't know why as I'm perfect in every way in every day. Hey, hey,hey." He picked up her spork and began to eat dainty-ly.

"Isn't it great they have finally moved Scotland to England?" said someone else.

"Yeh, it does not reighn as mush now," replied Ho!maine. Turning back to Spamenella, she said, "Welcome to the bestest house in the world. I'm the school swot, and I'm a perfect."

'_Wow!'_ thought Salmon, '_this is so coool. Someone wants to be friends with me_.' Taking a long hard look at Hermineigh, before taking it outside, she decided geeks wasn't where it was at, whatever that meant. Harry gave her his hand and in her shyness she dropped it and it rolled under the table and they both scrambled there bodies in a flurry of haste to pick it up and reattach it.

She looked around and caught Drako's eye and tossed it in a salad before throwing it back.

Dumblesnore was giving a talk about the hazards of skewy whabbits in the FORBIDDEN FORREST. A recent inflection had overrun all the dwellers their. Even worst was their teeth at large.

Finishing all the scrumptious food had given Salmonella a bad case of heart burn. She could never say no to anything put in front of her. Madam Pompado GAFFered her legs and took them to the medical wing. Sallymania sat in the Great Hall waiting for them to be returned all nicely healed and shaved.

Tucking herself into bed at night, because it was silly to go to bed during the day, she laid herself back. "Today was great and tomorrow in another day." With those wise words she shut her eye and fell asleep.

**TBC if I'm in the mood.**

**Icky, wicky, please review. I'll be your beastist mate forever and ever. (If you understood any of the above – translations welcomed.)**

**Oh what the heck! Here's a bit more.**

Salmonella came out of the bubble shower and was rapped in a towel. Her hair was still wet and was soaking through the said towel as she had forgotten to put it back on her head. Now she was squeaky clean, she oiled her joints to stop the noise.

Turning around, she faced Harry. "Ow! Sorry, I didn't mean to nut you, but you really should stand further back.

He grabbed her shoulders and left her armless. "I can't help myself," he panted like a bitch on heat. "It's okay I have made a protection barrier."

Salmonella and Harry do intercourse, a correspondence course, course fishing and various other activities over the next two minutes. Well, Harry was inexperienced and it was his first time. Then she lay stationery while he turned over a leaf.

Three years later, Salmonella found out she was preggers and gave Harry a ultimatatatiumm – either he carried the baby or she would have to kill Voltaire.

Harry didn't want to ruin his fugure, so she went up to the leader of the Dark Vaders and started to run her sentences together without any punctuation Voldemort was surprised at first but the more she went on the paler he became and started running round the room screaming with his hands over his ears before finally head butting the wall and dropping down DEAD.

The happy couple lived happily ever after and decided to take over the world. With her amazing speschul powers it was easy peasey puddin'ly pie.

**THE END.**

**A/N: I'm glad I managed to finish this story. It has been playing on my mind for too many days and I thought you would like to play with it now. If you recognise anything, please leave a link to the original. I'm a troll-la-lol!**


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